I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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