Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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