He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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