on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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