She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
