we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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