the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
