I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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