mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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