I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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