I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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