I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What a dumb baby whore.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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