how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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