Sorry, I don't speak sober.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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