If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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