we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
