I cockslap morals
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
What drink are we having for lunch?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
