I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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