who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
