I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
