I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
