I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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