Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
