can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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