don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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