She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
