This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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