Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
