I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
