No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
