I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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