I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
