Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i drank out of a bidet.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
