Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
