I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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