i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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