ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
there's paper in my vomit.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out