what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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