thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!