Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
