you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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