Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
