You just made me feel so damn special
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
