Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How's work?
Spinning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
