I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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