Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
