i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
