"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
