The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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