You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
