She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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