My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
