GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
