A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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