I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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