so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
