im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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