Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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