I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
