take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
