just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
