So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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