I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
