I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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